Grieving as a Heathen in a Non-Heathen World
I have not forgotten about this blog. I want to write in it frequently, but I am currently upgrading for work and don’t have much free time. That said, I want to talk about this because it is relevant in my life this past year and has been resurfacing again in the past month.
How do we grieve as Heathens, and how does that differ from the over-culture? Do our beliefs alienate us from the community at large, or actually help in the grieving process?
Let’s start with the basics though. What do Heathens believe about death, dying, and the afterlife? Wow, so that is a tough one! Heathens often don’t have the same ideas about things, especially something as big as this topic. It can differ between Kindreds or even individuals within Heathenry as to what they believe about death.
What most Heathens can agree on is the importance of family, which can be biological, adoptive, or chosen family (kin). So when it comes to death Heathens focus on family and the well-being of family as well. Despite families often being interfaith, Heathens want what is best for these families in the process of grieving. They want their families informed as soon as possible. To Heathens though they also often want to know more details of the nature of the death of a family member or friend, as their beliefs on the afterlife may include the belief that where one goes after death is determined by the nature of the death. (Warriors who die in battle go to Valhalla or Folkvanger, whereas those who die of old age and natural causes go to Helheim.) However, the Heathen afterlife is far more complicated than a few well-known halls from the Lore where people might go after death. Some Heathens think that all the halls of the Gods may be open to the dead depending on if a certain God or Goddess may recognize and value certain skills they had in life. Other Heathens might not believe in an afterlife in this sense at all. You often will hear Heathens talk about people going in death to either the mound (earth/grave) or to the halls of their ancestors where they sit in feast with them. Most Heathens, no matter what they believe, will hold the belief you can communicate with your ancestors through rites and prayers and that they will aid their descendants in life.
Heathens may also have beliefs about the body after death and how it should be cared for and handled. There are a lot of folk traditions about how to remove a body from the house and how to make sure the body does not reanimate as a draugr or the revenant does not return. Beyond this, many modern Heathens are conscientious about the environment and their community and either want an ecologically friendly burial or to donate organs or donate their body to education or science. It can be noted that historically there was just as much contention about handling a body after death. Many bodies were interred in mounds or ship burials, and with elaborate grave goods, but close to as many were also cremated. This may be due to the very complicated Heathen belief about the multi-part soul and how various people interpret that. I don’t want to get into that too much here because that is a topic to itself but the very Sparknotes version is that there are many parts to the soul: the body of course, but then parts that cease to exist at death, and others that go on to an afterlife, and still others that pass on within a family lineage and contribute to the Luck of the family.
There is a lot more that can be said on Heathen beliefs on death, dying, and grieving but those are really the two big ones that come up in most circumstances. So let us return to grieving and how that is different. Of course every individual needs something different or things in a different order to process their grief, but a huge piece to Heathen grieving is the support of community. The Heathen will want support from their family and Kin and also to support their family and Kin. A common component to this is sharing stories of the life and deeds of the person who has died, as Heathens believe that their beloved will live on through those shared memories. As such you may hear Heathens say things like, “They will be remembered.” as words of solace.
Another thing that is often heard in stories about the dead is that they have to travel to the afterlife. Historically the direction of the afterlife was described as down and North. Since it takes some time for the dead to travel to the perceived afterlife, Heathens may say to the dead, or enact a rite of some sort for “Safe journeys.” Many Heathens will have no trouble imagining a non-Heathen loved one going to the afterlife that their loved one believed in but will still overlay this idea of the journey to get there and the need for safe travel to the afterlife of their choosing. Also many Heathens may see several afterlifes as possibly existing simultaneously due to the multi-part soul. So a loved one could simultaneously be in Helheim (or even the Christian Heaven), while simultaneously being in the mound and/or the halls of their ancestors. Oh and they can still potentially communicate with the living, even though it will be in a way different from during life.
Heathens in many cases have a much healthier view of death than the greater over-culture as they don’t have the same fear of death. Instead, death is seen as a natural part of life, and not as an ending, but rather a transformation to a different state of being. The dead are never truly gone, but how you interact with them changes. Of course there is still a feeling of loss. You cannot feel your loved one’s warm embrace, or eat their famous chilli, or share in their favourite game with them. However, you can still commune with them and ask advice from them, and tell their stories and keep their memory alive. Sometimes you might even see them or be touched by them, though it will not be the same as in life. The Heathen is often focused on making sure their loved one correctly transitions to this next stage of being, instead of getting stuck in the world of the living and thereby causing havoc. There are revenants (restless spirits) and then there are the well and honoured dead, who are those who have made it to be welcomed in the halls of their ancestors and let go of any petty beliefs they may have held onto in life. The well and honoured ancestors help their descendants to increase the Luck of the family or Kindred.
A lot of this comes down to World-Affirming beliefs, which means that Heathens believe in living their lives the best way they can because what matters is our actions (deeds) in the moment. They affect our Luck and the Orlog of our families and Kin. Heathens don’t usually believe that in the afterlife you are rewarded or punished for what you did in life, but rather that you can continue to grow and change the Luck and Orlog of your family in death through the assistance of your descendants. The well dead do not stay attached to ideas they had in life that do not serve the family. For that reason a very deeply Christian ancestor who is among the well and honoured dead will not have a problem with their Heathen descendant, or an ancestor with a certain confused political affiliation in life will be able to aid their transgender descendant, because those things are no longer of consequence to the dead.
The physical part of death is much less frightening to Heathens, who may have well established relationships with well ancestors. Whereas walking in on a dead body will shock and frighten many within the overculture, a Heathen response may be very much more muted, “Oh yes, they are definitely gone.” and then after a brief reflection, touching the loved one’s body and wishing them safe journeys. Of course tears and all the stages of grief are also perfectly natural, and Heathens are often more open with these displays of emotions among close family and Kin.
A Heathen community rallies around their grieving, recognizing that each individual will need different things. There will not be the same awkward displays of sympathy as with the overculture, but instead genuine and often open ended offers of assistance in whatever way the grieving may need. And beyond that, checking in regularly with the grieving to make sure they are alright and offer further assistance. The Heathen community will be there to listen, to tell stories, to just be present, to offer a distraction, and anything else the grieving person may need. When the grieving are ready, rites or ceremonies will take place to honour the dead. This may be a funeral, but if the family is interfaith there may be a Christian funeral and the Heathen or their community may hold other rites as well to honour the dead in their own way. This will likely include honouring the memory of the deceased, and celebrating their life, as well as some way to help with the safe passage of the deceased to what is next. Heathens recognize the need for these rights of passage for both the living and the dead during this time of transition. In addition, the dead will continue to be honoured in stories told to each other just in casual conversation but also at other blots such as Alfablot (often associated with male ancestors), Disablot (female ancestors), as well as Winter Nights or Jól, and throughout the winter when the presence of the ancestors is often most felt.
Cattle die and kinsmen die,
You too will die in the same way,
but a good reputation never dies --
For the one who has earned it well.
Cattle die and kinsmen die,
You too will die in the same way,
but I know of one thing that will never die --
the reputation of the one who has died.
Havamal 76-77
Further Reading:
The Road to Hel by Hilda Ellis Davidson
The Return of the Dead by Claude Lecouteux
The Tradition of Household Spirits by Claude Lecouteux
Phantom Armies of the Night by Claude Lecouteux
Havamal https://sites.pitt.edu/~dash/havamal.html (translation above edited by myself for clarity)
Image Source:
“Hermod” page 25 of Balder's death and Loke's punishment (1918).
