Interfaith Relationships

So I have been on a bit of a hiatus, but for an important reason. I was getting married. I have had the blog entry below already written but in need of some editing for months, but I have a lot of ideas in the works most of the time. Now was the right time to put it out there, because our marriage speaks further to the topic at hand. We were supposed to be married last July, but of course pandemic times put plans on hold. We were blessed this year to have a small gathering of 26 people, and then through the wonders of modern technology livestream to friends and family all over the world. 

Our ceremony was a meaningful and moving combination of our faiths as well bringing in elements of our combined story and emphasizing the importance of family in all its unique forms. At first I wanted to keep faith out of our ceremony, but my spouse wanted his father to say a prayer, and I knew that this would be a very meaningful moment between father and son and that it must happen. As such I asked my own mother to give a secular blessing to our marriage to create balance. A meaningful part of the ceremony for me was being able to gift my spouse a sword. There is a lot of personal significance behind that that I won't get into here, beyond it adding some heathen element to the ceremony. We were so blessed to have our Cree adoptive mother officiate our wedding and help us to pay tribute to the Treaty 1 lands where the ceremony took place. We also made sure to include all of our parents in elements of the ceremony, and my wonderful brother-in-law was a one man show, as our MC, livestream tech, and DJ. We are so grateful for the community who came together around us and made our day memorable. 

My gushing aside for now, I will launch into the blog entry proper.

Something that I think is worth talking about in modern heathenry (and also historic heathenry, come to think of it) is Interfaith Relationships. I do have a bit of experience in the matter, since my spouse is christian. We have been together almost 10 years, and while I was pagan all that time, I didn’t know about heathenry for a long time, and even though that was pretty much what my personal practice was, I didn’t have words for it. As such there was a point in our relationship where I “came out as heathen” as it were. We were actually vacationing together at the time. I remember it fairly clearly. And overall, once he got over the word ”heathen” once I explained it a bit better, things went quite well. 

I am saying this mostly because I see a lot of articles or posts written saying what a bad idea interfaith relationships are, and especially with christians, and I think that an alternative view is needed. 

I will say, it is not always easy. I think the biggest hurdle for me is the disconnect in the amount we understand about each other’s faiths. Like most heathens, I came to heathenry through other faiths. In my case I grew up first in the Mennonite Church, and then later in the United Church. My interest in paganism was sparked fairly early, however, but I lived in a very isolated small town and the opportunities were not great for exploring different types of paganism. I relied on the library, which had an abysmal collection of books on paganism, as well as one small book store, and then whatever I could manage to find on the internet. The problem was I lacked direction. I didn’t know what to look for and that made it harder to find it, and there wasn’t really anyone to give me pointers. Eventually over the course of many years I found my way to heathenry. 

My point is this, I probably have considerably more knowledge of christianity than my spouse does of heathenry, although I frequently hold a lecture series in our living room… just kidding. This can lead to minor misunderstandings about hearth practice or points of worldview. My spouse is a very open and caring person. He genuinely wants what is best for me and he does not try to convert me, which is the sticking point it seems a lot of heathens have with christians. I also have no interest in converting him to heathenry. We are just happy to be in each other’s company.

I was worried initially that he would be concerned about me because his idea of what happens in death is so different from mine. Oddly, that is not the point on which we have had the most discussions. A bigger concern for him was how we would raise future children. For me that seemed such an easy fix. The child can attend church and/or ritual, or whatever other religious activities they might choose. They can make a decision about their own path when they are old enough and ready. We just present the choices. 

So interfaith relationships work. They are not always easy, but with two open-minded people it doesn’t have to be a big deal. We have a lot of discussions about faith. My spouse has taken theology, among many other things, in university, so we have some fairly high level discussions at times. We also have a lot of very everyday discussions about hearth practice, about the housewight … I am not sure he fully believes in the housewight, although he has been known to engage in direct speech with him occasionally. I go with his family to the Christmas Eve service, which usually has some matter or other to interest me. I have a lot of interests. Architecture interests me, and art. There is a beautiful glass sculpture in the church we attend that looks like streaming water, and a dove. I spend a lot of time admiring the artistry. Going to the Christmas Eve service is about hearth and family. It is about building frith with my spouse's parents. I never feel like anyone at the church tries to convert me. Of course I don’t go out of my way to proclaim I am heathen either. All relationships are about give and take. They are about what we can compromise and what we can live with, as well as sharing both joys and pains. My spouse and I have been through a lot together, and he has always had my back. 

It isn’t easy to find a compatible heathen partner, or even a compatible pagan partner. My advice for other heathens who are considering an interfaith relationship is, if the person is right then it can totally work out. That said, there are red flags to watch out for. You don’t want a partner who is going to try to convert you to their faith. You also need to be wary if their parents or family members try to convert you. This could still work out if your partner is willing to stand up for you, but it can definitely be wearing on the relationship. The most important thing in any relationship is that equal compromise comes from both sides. If you feel like you are constantly trying to fit into a box for your partner, but they don’t make the same efforts for you, get out and get out fast! A good partner brings out the best in you without making you change, and you should bring out the best in them too. Sometimes you may have trials and that balance may break down for a while, but that balance should be the norm. This isn’t really that different from any relationship. My mom gave me one piece of advice for my wedding, the same thing her mother told her. She said, “A marriage is never 50/50, it is always 75/75.” And that is exactly right. Both sides need to give equally, but it is always going to be more than you think. Both parties need to want to make it work. 

Photo Source:

Photo is my own from our wedding livestream.